RANDOM STUFF

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE IN THE 21st CENTURY

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa,
but you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbor yet this year.

You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted
one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat.
He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send
her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home.

Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out
of the back seat of your car.

Only In America............
Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions.

Do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the, driveway and put
useless junk in the garage..

Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call
waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place?.

Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!

Remember When ... ?
A computer was something on T.V. from a science fiction show.
A window was something you hated to clean and RAM was the cousin of a
goat...
Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was your middle finger upright.
Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment.
A program was a T.V. show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy you hoped that nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a
file.
And if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for awhile.
Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home and a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they
wish 
they were dead!

This is the Official Moron Test. It's based upon typical graduation
requirements at Harvard. Try to finish within 5 minutes. When you are
done, count the number correct and see how you compare to others. OK,
here we go...

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you
get?
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an
hour. How long will the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?
11. A butcher in the market is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
13. What was the President's name in 1960?

NO CHEATING ***
So how do you think you did? (Scroll down for answers.)

TEST ANSWERS:
1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No?
Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
One (1). You can only be born once.
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
Six (6). Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning.
5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?
No. He must be dead if it is his widow.
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?
Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60.
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you 
left with?Two (2). You take two apples ... therefore YOU have TWO apples.
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an
hour. How long will the pills last?
One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30,
and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only one hour has
passed.
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?
Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die.
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses have on the ark?
None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark.
11. A butcher in the market is 5' 10 tall. What does he weigh?
Meat ... that is self-explanatory.
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE ... it's a dozen.
13. What was the President's name in 1960?
Bill Clinton. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name.

So, how did you do?
13 correct.........GENIUS...you are good.
10-12 correct....ABOVE AVERAGE...but don't let it go to your head.
7-9 correct........AVERAGE...but who wants to be average?
4-6 correct........SLOW...pay attention to the questions!
1-3 correct.........IDIOT...what else can be said?
0 correct............CONGRATULATIONS, you are a certified MORON

How Clean Is Your Mind?????


I challenge you NOT to think dirty.
All of the answers in this quiz are NOT obscene in any way.

Vocabulary Test for the Dirty Minded:

1) What is a four-letter word that ends in "k"and means the same as
intercourse?

2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long,
has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

4) What word starts with "f " and ends with "u-c-k"?

5) Name five words that are each four letters long, end in " u-n-t "
one of which is a word for a woman?

6) What does a dog do that you can step into?

7) What four letter word begins with "f " and ends with " k", and if
you can't get one you can use your hands?

8) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

9) What four-letter word ends in "i-t " and is found on the bottom of
birdcages?

10) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than
on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?

ANSWERS:
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6. (pants)
7. (fork)
8. (Almond Joy candy bar)
9. (grit)
10. (last name)

You people should be ashamed of yourself! I know what you were thinking!