SMS JOKES

AN ATTRACTIVE BLONDE WOMAN WALKS UP2 A BAR. SHE SIGNALS 4 THE BARMAN 2 BRING HIS FACE CLOSER 2 HERS"R U THE MANAGER?"SHE ASKS, RUNNING HER FINGERS THRU HIS HAIR?."NO" HE SEZ."CAN YOU GIVE HIM A MESSAGE?" SHE ASKS, STROKIN HIS FACE AND ALLOWING 2 FINGERS 2 SLIP INTO HIS MOUTH SO HE CAN SUCK THEM GENTLY."TELL HIM THERES NO F****N TOILET PAPER IN THE LADIES!"

JUST GOT BARRED FROM B&Q! I WENT IN AND SOME TWAT IN AN ORANGE APRON ASKED ME IF I WANTED DECKING, LUCKILY I GOT THE FIRST PUNCH IN!

2 RATS IN A SEWER. I SEZ "IM SICK OF IT, S**T FOR BREAKFAST, S**T FOR LUNCH & S**T FOR TEA!"THE OTHER ONE SEZ"CHEER UP WE'LL GO ON THE PISS LATER!"

SIR PAUL MCARTNEY HAS BOUGHT HEATHER A PLANE AS PART OF THE DIVORCE SETTLEMENT. HOWEVER SHE STILL USES IMMAC ON THE OTHER LEG!

AD A LEBENESE CURRY LAST NIGHT.... WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH THE SHEE ITES!

A BLONDE GIRL RINGS THE FIRE BRIGADE & SAYS "MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!" SO THEY ASK HER "HOW DO WE GET THERE?" SHE SAYS "HELL-OOOO IN THE F****N RED TRUCK!"

MR AND MRS BLOBBY ARE IN BED & MRS BLOBBY SEZ "BLOB BLURB BLOB BLIBBLE BLUBBLEBLOB BLUB!" MR BLOBBY SEZ "JUST F****N SWALLOW IT!"

JACK AND JILL R PLAYING HIDE N SEEK. JILL SEZ "IF YOU FIND ME, U CAN LICK MY F***Y AND F**K ME UP THE ARSE, IF YOU CAN'T - I'LL BE IN THE SHED!"

IVE HAD AN INVITE TO MY FIRST CANNABIS PARTY. THE ONLY DRAWBACK IS I HAVE TO TAKE MY OWN DOPE. SO WHAT TIME SHOULD I PICK YOU UP?

2 HOOKERS ON A STREET CORNER DISCUSSING BUSINESS, 1 OF THEM SEZ "ITS GUNNA BE A GOOD NITE, I SMELL COCK IN THE AIR!" OTHER ONE LOOKS AT HER AND SEZ "NO.... IVE JUST BURPED!"

MAN HIRES A CONTRACT KILLER 2 KILL HIS WIFE AND ASKS HOW HE'LL DO IT. KILLER SEZ,"I'LL SHOOT HER JUST BELOW HER LEFT TIT" MAN SEZ "I WANT HER DEAD, NOT KNEECAPPED!"